Manuel "Meat Comet" Caruso

Details

Thick-necked center-back with forearms tattooed in realistic cheesesteak art and a mullet that billows like a parade flag. Pat’s partisan; insists the team warm up by smashing frozen soccer balls in a butcher’s freezer. He’s stoic until a ref blinks wrong—then the accent comes out: “Yo, ya see the ball or what, cuz?” Special move: the Meat Comet Slide—he torpedoes through turf in a perfect line, ball orbiting his shins.

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